When you're feeling really unhappy or annoyed or frustrated with your child's behavior, you may think that those feelings are caused by your child's behavior. And, that's a reasonable thing to think, actually.
But, in fact, your FEELINGS are all about the story you believe in your head. And, your story feels good or not so good depending on the words you use to tell that story.
So, if your child won't do anything you tell him to do, your inner story may sound a little something like this: "He's always SO DEFIANT! It drives me absolutely NUTS!" When you tell yourself that story, it stands to reason that you will feel angry and hopelessly frustrated, and you will struggle to find the way to get him to stop being so damn defiant! And, not only do you feel bad in that moment, but you also feel resistance. And, even if you don't say a word to your son... Even if you think your outer demeanor is calm and you're holding it together, your perceptive, tuned-in child is definitely picking up on that vibe from you. He feels the resistance and he naturally resists your resistance with his own resistance.
What if you could tell a different story? What if you could change one word in your narrative? How would you feel if you believed that that same behavior wasn't defiant but was courageous because your child has and is loyal to his strong beliefs?
If you believe your child to be courageous and willing to act out of his own convictions, that has to feel different, right? You'd want to work with a person like that, not against him. You'd want to find a way to get what you need to get done done AND bolster his courage to follow his own strong convictions, right? And, you'd FEEL better, and your child would feel and respond to that vibe, completely bypassing resistance.
Here is a very helpful tool for positively reframing those words (like manipulative to gets one's needs met and conceited to confident/values self) that often drive a wedge between parents and their kids.
I hope it's helpful to you! If you have any questions or want to discuss it, let me know.
To learn more about making peaceful parenting choices, you could get in on one of the Making the Switch to Peaceful Parenting teleclasses that are being often offered. It doesn't matter where you live. Visit the Upcoming Events page to find a class that starting soon at a time that works for your schedule.
I hope you find this tool and this post to be helpful to you! And, if you'd like to, please feel free to share it with anyone...your friends, your parenting partner, your parents, your sibs...anyone!
Be well, and be kind!